The way you said “next year”
It was honestly a relief
I think the whole room heard me exhale
Letting loose a “finally”, an “I need this”

I’m fully aware it was not the same
Your gaze was locked with mine
Uncomfortable, unsure like we always are
It feels like torture between us

We sit together, we laugh, and we are our worst critics
You melt when I touch yours, I can smell it
I know you don’t want me to
As much as you try to hide it, respond indifferently

And as much as I hate it
I know you realize the way I dissolve
Under your gaze, when you bring me any kind of attention
You know I lie and that I can detect yours

It feels like torture between us
But we keep doing it to ourselves
You keep so much from me
We’re always going to deny it

Your hand put it behind you, out of my view
You turn it off so I can’t see
You tip it to an angle so I don’t know
You change the subject with ease

I thought that maybe this would be it
It’s been so many weeks and I went from five to twenty-six
But I bet you didn’t know that
Though I’m positive you thought about it

It could be my own delusions
She says enough for me
But I’m not going to let her exist
It feels like torture between us

Now that you, now that he
I try to pick up things I left undone
But I’m going to leave some as they are
Some people are at the worst with me

You pull me to your trust
Tell you, telling you
But making pictures works so much better
We’ll just pretend this is how we get along

It feels like torture between us
We avoid when we see
And you show them off, like I do
There is something clinically wrong with us